Can I just talk for awhile and you can listen, can I speak my mind with out you getting distant? Now my mother cares that I am leaving now she doesn't understand and needs a reason, now my father wants to bribe me until I'm blue, you finish this and I will pay for school. I know they are all fakes ones who just like to be seen at the game but have no idea what number I'm playing. Now that its soon they want to act like they care but when I needed you, you were never there.
I found a place to store my car, with out either of my parents help. I found out about this program and signed myself up and went on the interviews alone, before I even mentioned any of my plan to either of them. They all think it is such a great idea, but do you even have any clue what it entails, have you ever gone to the website, have you ever looked into any of it to make sure your child is not making an irrational decision? No. This is why I have to constantly question my actions, this is why I sit alone at night and pray that god is at least in on my plan and is guiding me. I need guidance I seek approval but all they ever seem to do is want to smile in my face and tell me I am doing great but they can't see that I am high on zanax and gone off trees when you lack a parental unit things like that put your mind at ease.
The thing is, as long as I am not any ones problem none of them care, word for word when I told my dad I wanted to move to CT and go to school out there, I told him I was lonely and just wanted to be around some family. He says to me, "No you cant live in our house not even for a week, you have to have your own situation set up before you even get here, you cant make your shitty plan my shitty problem" I joined Job Corps the very next day, and now that I am for sure gone for six months some where else my plan is so great, but its just because I am not his problem or his plan and I am going to so far away that Out of Sight Out of Mind, until I call him next time.
And I know you are all probably thinking why would she need her parents guidance if she is 22? Well if you have never had guidance or structure or rules or any one weaving dreams with you at night as they put you to bed when you were five, or ten, or even fifteen then shit really starts to fuck with you right about now. I yearn for something that doesn't exist and the more time goes by the more nonexistent it becomes, a family.
All on my own I weave my dreams alone, I assure myself to fall asleep at night by promising myself it will all be alright.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Monday, July 28, 2008
Sister Missed
I wept to you in long wet sobs, Explained that my heart aches with sad thoughts. My sister you show no sign that your heart throbs. Leaving pieces to my puzzle I hope you solve. The effort of my pillows do more to comfort me. The sway of the willow trees give me more ease. I miss you and all the similarities we share long lost loves. I lost you to the cause of your contentment. I wished for us to be little again. Just to feel you hold my hand. Just to see the sun shine so bright. Just so you would shield my eyes. Growing older with you far away is more than an ache or a dull pain its a storm with out the rain. A house with out a home. A David with out the gnome. A thought of us keeps me moving along. I listen to all your favorite songs. I write your name just to remember your signature for you too be happy I reluctantly stay miserable. I feel like I was sliced in half and you picked not me but the cash. I drift along and you tell me to grow up We visit and your up tight So I laugh and say losen up! we changed and now our bond is not good enough.
Last Words(poem)
My last words are sharper than your knives or swords
My last words, simply put "you'll get what you deserve"
I never lost a battle never sported a scar
This time around I am the loser by far.
I was not the best contender and Some how
I doubt after awhile I will even be remembered
It was all washed away the day you decided not to stay
Nothing can be spoken to erase the heavy thoughts
Nothing can be broken to make this a lesson taught
I was destined to lead a very lonely life
So don't pride your self on leaving you really had no choice
Like even when I speak I still don't have a voice
You left me with empty insides with nothing but sucked up and spit out insights
I left cooked meals and social invites I watched you fall asleep and then Id turn off the lights.
I left you mentally before you even thought about the physical aspect
I was never even available so don't get all spastic.
I remember exactly what you said when it was the end,
you needed a change and it had to be drastic. So great! life with us separated and it couldn't be more fantastic! at least I don't have to hear you tell me anymore that I am too dramatic.
Sleeping alone at night makes my stomach hurt, I hope some one leads you on and breaks your heart and you get what you deserve. Tragic last words that are going to have to hurt, feelings that are better left unsaid are never unheard.
What keeps me awake at night is not that empty spot to my right, its not the way I have to squeeze my legs together real tight, its how i remember those words you used to whisper in my ears and once when they served a great ease to my fears now all they do is produce tears.
I yearn for eternal sunshine of the spotless mind, I want to forget every touch every where every word every time. I want to forget that there ever was a you and I.
Single last words that will cut deeper than any of this is shit, is that you promised you would never be like him, but you walked away just like the spitting image of his sin. So don't forget to pick up you loyalties on the way out because are team just lost the game, and you have no one to cry to it about.
My last words, simply put "you'll get what you deserve"
I never lost a battle never sported a scar
This time around I am the loser by far.
I was not the best contender and Some how
I doubt after awhile I will even be remembered
It was all washed away the day you decided not to stay
Nothing can be spoken to erase the heavy thoughts
Nothing can be broken to make this a lesson taught
I was destined to lead a very lonely life
So don't pride your self on leaving you really had no choice
Like even when I speak I still don't have a voice
You left me with empty insides with nothing but sucked up and spit out insights
I left cooked meals and social invites I watched you fall asleep and then Id turn off the lights.
I left you mentally before you even thought about the physical aspect
I was never even available so don't get all spastic.
I remember exactly what you said when it was the end,
you needed a change and it had to be drastic. So great! life with us separated and it couldn't be more fantastic! at least I don't have to hear you tell me anymore that I am too dramatic.
Sleeping alone at night makes my stomach hurt, I hope some one leads you on and breaks your heart and you get what you deserve. Tragic last words that are going to have to hurt, feelings that are better left unsaid are never unheard.
What keeps me awake at night is not that empty spot to my right, its not the way I have to squeeze my legs together real tight, its how i remember those words you used to whisper in my ears and once when they served a great ease to my fears now all they do is produce tears.
I yearn for eternal sunshine of the spotless mind, I want to forget every touch every where every word every time. I want to forget that there ever was a you and I.
Single last words that will cut deeper than any of this is shit, is that you promised you would never be like him, but you walked away just like the spitting image of his sin. So don't forget to pick up you loyalties on the way out because are team just lost the game, and you have no one to cry to it about.
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Dancing Queen
As my last two weeks here start to unravel I have become more anxious about my departure and hence more prone to going out with the friends I am leaving behind and drinking my sorrow's and reservations down with a bottle of rum.
I still feel nauseous from the effects of that god forsaken bottle that very well should of stayed dusty on the shelf at my local liquor store where embarrassingly enough, every one knows my name, and the brand of smokes I buy. Things like that are more thought provoking than they were before. Even though I am ready for my adventure and story to unfold I am beginning to feel indifferent to this place I have hated since the moment I arrived, at least until the day I found out I was leaving it. Now the familiar streets I drive to down to get home from work each day hold a peaceful comfort I never noticed before.
Friends, friends are like the pair of shoes you have been thinking about every time you walk by your favorite store. The ones you really want to have, the ones that all the cool kids have, the ones that you need in life to make you feel complete. And then one day you splurge and indulge your self, and you wear those very shoes out of the store, and on your first walk together they have already hurt your feet, you think to yourself self that you need to break them in and they will be fine, but they never get broken in, and they constantly hurt whenever you wear them and you suddenly feel riped off and betrayed by these shoes and then it dawns on you that the idea of them were much more appealing than the actually feeling you get when they are on. Friends, you think you have to have them because everyone else does too, but in reality they are those expensive shoes you wasted your money on that you can never wear only say that you have a pair too, so you feel like you fit in. Having friends is a joke, I wish I were able to find a true friendship that fits like those ugg boots you bought on sale three years ago and have never felt better each time you out them on.
Oh by the way, Mama Mia is possibly the worst movie ever made! And why is it that all mothers feel so inclined to take there daughters to see it? God my mother even went out her way just to make a special trip to the theaters with me the ugly duck out of her clan to see that movie. I love those little moments in life, like the moment me and my mom walked out of the theater because we just could not take another moment of the shitty ABA songs being sung by the cast and the audience.
I still feel nauseous from the effects of that god forsaken bottle that very well should of stayed dusty on the shelf at my local liquor store where embarrassingly enough, every one knows my name, and the brand of smokes I buy. Things like that are more thought provoking than they were before. Even though I am ready for my adventure and story to unfold I am beginning to feel indifferent to this place I have hated since the moment I arrived, at least until the day I found out I was leaving it. Now the familiar streets I drive to down to get home from work each day hold a peaceful comfort I never noticed before.
Friends, friends are like the pair of shoes you have been thinking about every time you walk by your favorite store. The ones you really want to have, the ones that all the cool kids have, the ones that you need in life to make you feel complete. And then one day you splurge and indulge your self, and you wear those very shoes out of the store, and on your first walk together they have already hurt your feet, you think to yourself self that you need to break them in and they will be fine, but they never get broken in, and they constantly hurt whenever you wear them and you suddenly feel riped off and betrayed by these shoes and then it dawns on you that the idea of them were much more appealing than the actually feeling you get when they are on. Friends, you think you have to have them because everyone else does too, but in reality they are those expensive shoes you wasted your money on that you can never wear only say that you have a pair too, so you feel like you fit in. Having friends is a joke, I wish I were able to find a true friendship that fits like those ugg boots you bought on sale three years ago and have never felt better each time you out them on.
Oh by the way, Mama Mia is possibly the worst movie ever made! And why is it that all mothers feel so inclined to take there daughters to see it? God my mother even went out her way just to make a special trip to the theaters with me the ugly duck out of her clan to see that movie. I love those little moments in life, like the moment me and my mom walked out of the theater because we just could not take another moment of the shitty ABA songs being sung by the cast and the audience.
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
A little bit of information
Yesterday when I started this blog I didn't think I would really give any back round info I kinda thought I would just jump right into my story as it was happening. But as I gave it more thought I realized everyone has to give a little bit of information as to how they got here, or why they are leaving, stuff like that. So anyways here is a little bit to chew on until my real adventure starts august 5th.
Now most kids are close with their families and parents and most kids have a whole 18 year span to grow up and spread their wings but me, I was the exception and this is how it all began.
My mama and daddy divorced in 1996, we lived in Connecticut at the time. It was my mama, my older sister and my younger brother and me when he left, we was all young including my mama. I was about ten, my sister was 12, and my brother was the baby he was five at the time. Now when my daddy left I thought he was the world and god knows how fast it came crashing down on me when it was all said and done and our bags were packed for California, that's when life really started changing. This was the result of my first heart break, and it was my daddy who was responsible for it.
I had to grow up quickly in a new strange city like San Francisco, I had to take the bus to school on my own, pick my brother up from his school on my own, cook dinner and stay home with my brother alone, although my older sister was appointed to babysit us she would just sneak out after my mama would leave at night to bar tend, that's how she supported us, and her drinking habits as well. Now I am not going to stay on this subject long because I am tired of talking about it, and writing about it. My childhood was non existent after age ten and that's just that. I have been an adult ever since.
When I was 14 I met a boy that made me feel like some one liked me, like some one would take the time out of their life to pay attention to me, I hadn't felt that way in years since my father left so it was wonderful at first. Then after all four years of high school and a year or two after it was over I was finally smart enough to see that this boy was not the right man for me or any one at that. He couldn't handle our break up and was obsessive and stalker-ish for months and then on one clear spring day he decided if he couldn't be with me than no one else could either.
Thank god I was able to get my self out of my mama's house alive I don't know really how I had done it I just remember shaking with blood all over me saying the same thing over and over to the police who had arrived on the scene. He had tried to strangle me to death, and some how while unconscious I got from underneath him long enough to run to the screen door to which he threw me against ripping open my leg on some stray metal hanging off it, that's where all the blood had come from, plus my lips my face had gotten a good beating as well. He was the second man to break my heart, and my faith this time too.
After that I changed a little bit inside, I cant really explain how other than I felt some days when I was at my lowest that maybe I shouldn't of fought as hard as I did to stay alive because some days my life was so lonely it didn't feel worth living.
But my life received a bit of sunshine when I met him, the one who just broke my heart, the one who just literally changed my whole life with three words "it's not working". I met him about a month after that whole ordeal had happened and he was everything that I thought a man could not be, he changed my perception of men and he opened my heart and broke down all my walls and he made me trust him and love him more than I ever had with any other person to this very day. We went on strong for about two years, it was the best love I had ever felt in my life. It was the safest and most secure I had ever felt in my life, and in the back of my mind the whole time we were together I was just waiting for god to stick his finger out at my through the clouds and start laughing, I just knew it was too good to be true, and like all happy moments or times in my life our relationship ended on a early Saturday morning about a month ago. He was the third man to break my heart and he happened to suck the life and soul out of me while he was stepping on my bloody heart.
I couldn't move or talk with out feeling excruciating pain for about a week, I walked around half dead in our empty apartment we once shared happily together. I remained intoxicated one way or the other and couldn't face my job or anyone in the world other than my girl friends for at least the first five days. I knew that I needed to write to get it out, to see my feelings in words and feel better but I didn't want his heart break to poison my writing, to seep into my life always remaining forever present in the back round, so I haven't written a word since yesterday.
At first I felt completely abandoned and like I would always be destined to have this tragic life, like there was some one up there writing my story so that it could be on the New York Times best seller list one day, you know that kind of book that you must read! A heart felt triumph that takes you threw an emotional roller coaster until the very end? Yeah that's me alright. My name is Mallory and in french it is translated as an unfortunate child, my mother must of had some sub conscious premonition before she had me and some how knew my life would be this way. See my life might not seem too tragic to you yet but as we really start to get into more than whats just on the surface you will understand my pessimistic out look on things. I have always been alone in this world, and so I decided to just move away from all these people. From the mother who lives twenty min's away from me but only see's me on major holidays and only calls when she wants to talk about her self or to the father who lives three thousand miles away and has only seen me five short visits in the last thirteen years, or to the siblings that have enough of there own fucked up life issues to worry about mine, or the boy that broke my heart but still loves me, or the two only girlfriends I had who both moved away in the middle of my life crisis. You see regardless of where I am in this world or life I am always by myself, even when I thought I wasn't. So I gained enough courage to just say fuck it and go on my own adventure, the one I write the one I want and no one is going to rain on this parade.
My first stop is Utah, I leave on August fifth. I will be there attending job core for six months, then I am on my way to New York to meet up with my best cousin Jessica, and together my next chapter in my journey will begin but first I have to start chapter one.
Now most kids are close with their families and parents and most kids have a whole 18 year span to grow up and spread their wings but me, I was the exception and this is how it all began.
My mama and daddy divorced in 1996, we lived in Connecticut at the time. It was my mama, my older sister and my younger brother and me when he left, we was all young including my mama. I was about ten, my sister was 12, and my brother was the baby he was five at the time. Now when my daddy left I thought he was the world and god knows how fast it came crashing down on me when it was all said and done and our bags were packed for California, that's when life really started changing. This was the result of my first heart break, and it was my daddy who was responsible for it.
I had to grow up quickly in a new strange city like San Francisco, I had to take the bus to school on my own, pick my brother up from his school on my own, cook dinner and stay home with my brother alone, although my older sister was appointed to babysit us she would just sneak out after my mama would leave at night to bar tend, that's how she supported us, and her drinking habits as well. Now I am not going to stay on this subject long because I am tired of talking about it, and writing about it. My childhood was non existent after age ten and that's just that. I have been an adult ever since.
When I was 14 I met a boy that made me feel like some one liked me, like some one would take the time out of their life to pay attention to me, I hadn't felt that way in years since my father left so it was wonderful at first. Then after all four years of high school and a year or two after it was over I was finally smart enough to see that this boy was not the right man for me or any one at that. He couldn't handle our break up and was obsessive and stalker-ish for months and then on one clear spring day he decided if he couldn't be with me than no one else could either.
Thank god I was able to get my self out of my mama's house alive I don't know really how I had done it I just remember shaking with blood all over me saying the same thing over and over to the police who had arrived on the scene. He had tried to strangle me to death, and some how while unconscious I got from underneath him long enough to run to the screen door to which he threw me against ripping open my leg on some stray metal hanging off it, that's where all the blood had come from, plus my lips my face had gotten a good beating as well. He was the second man to break my heart, and my faith this time too.
After that I changed a little bit inside, I cant really explain how other than I felt some days when I was at my lowest that maybe I shouldn't of fought as hard as I did to stay alive because some days my life was so lonely it didn't feel worth living.
But my life received a bit of sunshine when I met him, the one who just broke my heart, the one who just literally changed my whole life with three words "it's not working". I met him about a month after that whole ordeal had happened and he was everything that I thought a man could not be, he changed my perception of men and he opened my heart and broke down all my walls and he made me trust him and love him more than I ever had with any other person to this very day. We went on strong for about two years, it was the best love I had ever felt in my life. It was the safest and most secure I had ever felt in my life, and in the back of my mind the whole time we were together I was just waiting for god to stick his finger out at my through the clouds and start laughing, I just knew it was too good to be true, and like all happy moments or times in my life our relationship ended on a early Saturday morning about a month ago. He was the third man to break my heart and he happened to suck the life and soul out of me while he was stepping on my bloody heart.
I couldn't move or talk with out feeling excruciating pain for about a week, I walked around half dead in our empty apartment we once shared happily together. I remained intoxicated one way or the other and couldn't face my job or anyone in the world other than my girl friends for at least the first five days. I knew that I needed to write to get it out, to see my feelings in words and feel better but I didn't want his heart break to poison my writing, to seep into my life always remaining forever present in the back round, so I haven't written a word since yesterday.
At first I felt completely abandoned and like I would always be destined to have this tragic life, like there was some one up there writing my story so that it could be on the New York Times best seller list one day, you know that kind of book that you must read! A heart felt triumph that takes you threw an emotional roller coaster until the very end? Yeah that's me alright. My name is Mallory and in french it is translated as an unfortunate child, my mother must of had some sub conscious premonition before she had me and some how knew my life would be this way. See my life might not seem too tragic to you yet but as we really start to get into more than whats just on the surface you will understand my pessimistic out look on things. I have always been alone in this world, and so I decided to just move away from all these people. From the mother who lives twenty min's away from me but only see's me on major holidays and only calls when she wants to talk about her self or to the father who lives three thousand miles away and has only seen me five short visits in the last thirteen years, or to the siblings that have enough of there own fucked up life issues to worry about mine, or the boy that broke my heart but still loves me, or the two only girlfriends I had who both moved away in the middle of my life crisis. You see regardless of where I am in this world or life I am always by myself, even when I thought I wasn't. So I gained enough courage to just say fuck it and go on my own adventure, the one I write the one I want and no one is going to rain on this parade.
My first stop is Utah, I leave on August fifth. I will be there attending job core for six months, then I am on my way to New York to meet up with my best cousin Jessica, and together my next chapter in my journey will begin but first I have to start chapter one.
Monday, July 21, 2008
My Liberation Letter.
At first it was too much to express in words, at first it was just a moan of pain that could be heard. But now that the days have faded over and over again into night I can once again write what my brain's been begging me to recite.
What started off as love at first sight has left me broken hearted with more pain and more hurt, my tools to write. Never did I think he would be the cause of these words but its love, live and then learn. So now that its all aired out and my bags are all packed, I can only move forward and never look back.
So this is it, me all on my own. This is the story of me finding my way back home.
What started off as love at first sight has left me broken hearted with more pain and more hurt, my tools to write. Never did I think he would be the cause of these words but its love, live and then learn. So now that its all aired out and my bags are all packed, I can only move forward and never look back.
So this is it, me all on my own. This is the story of me finding my way back home.
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